Disappointing Life in 2017 ชีวิตน่าผิดหวังปี 2017

Hey blog!

How are you?

Long time no see. It’s been a while like 6 months since I lastly published one story.

Never mind.

Yeah, it’s getting close to the end of 2017. I’m summarizing my timeline in 2017 because there won’t be anything more interesting, or better, or worse.

Well, since I have met Tom, my goals in life were pretty much shifted. I had never imagined that a person can work remotely while traveling the world at the same time. I admit that I learnt quite a lot from Tom about novice lifestyles that a third-world citizen may not know they even really exist.

In March this year, I finally left an international company that’s at the top of its own industry. I thought I was going to pursue “that” lifestyle which I always dreamt of. However, it was such a hard time for me to really get a “decent” job. I know I pushed too hard on myself. I pressured myself. I ended up thinking I was talentless. Predictably, I was suffering from depression.

Once I got a job that I didn’t need to go to the office daily, Tom still nitpicked that one) the job was not 100% “remote” (which means I still had to commute to office once a week) and two) my job didn’t pay me well enough to live the travel-the-world lifestyle. Tom said I needed to get paid at least “5,000$” a month in order to be free and be anywhere in the world.

Huh…

Easier said than done.

I thought negatively, “Oh yeah? You are from the first world country so earning that much wouldn’t be too challenging. You said like achieving to earn 5,000$ a month is something a third world citizen can do easily.”

My depression got so bad that I needed to be treated medically by a therapist.

I even planned how I should die. I browsed on the internet to order a strong hypnotic drug from a black market. I would be damn wasted from drinking alcohol, then consumed that strong drug while in a swimming pool. Once the drug kicked in, I would be completely unconscious while drowning myself to death…

My not-so-remote job lasted about 3 months. Sad huh? Yeah.

That was the first time in my life I experienced a moral dilemma. I quitted my job once I found out the employer selected me just because I was from a bigger firm. He was using me to access the client database of the former firm. Of course I declined to follow that action and order. It’s insanely unethical in a commercial world, right? I always felt owed to my first firm. I still wanted to maintain relationship with my old colleagues. They all were nice to me.

I had never even thought that someone was selecting someone else just to use that person for his or her own benefits. It was a lesson to teach myself that I may be too naive, too positive about the world, but the reality was the opposite. After I discussed with my boss that I was not going to do that and no one should do that, I felt I was ghosted. I felt he was trying to make me feel as much uncomfortable as he could to pressure me to leave because I was no longer “useful”. I was not someone he could squeeze to get information. I was not someone who worshipped benefits over morality.

I quitted.

I fucking quitted.

Then I got a real remote job that lasted only 3 weeks.

………………………….

I loved that job but I realized that I would be experiencing insecurity in my career life.

I felt lost and had to restart from zero.

I made a bad decision again.

I thought I was going to get just “any” job close to my house to “kill” my time.

Haha, I am now working 10am – 9pm no weekends off because those days were the busiest days. I only have 1 day off per a week. Some weeks are lucky, I am “permitted” to have 2 days in a row off. Last month, I had 3 days in a row off, I was called to help work on the middle day of my days off. Jesus christ! Such a lovely day to have a work day in the middle of your rest day. Someone was admitted in the hospital? You at least had to make a video conference call to report the target.

I haven’t visited my family for 4 months since I joined this job.

To explain my current job in a nutshell, it’s like I’m “squeezing blood out of a turnip”. You  are supposed to sell something pricey to a son whose dad is a truck driver and mom is a factory worker who earns less than 250 baht per day. What if they can’t afford? No problem. Convince them to get a loan that will be financial burden up to 2 years.

Nuff said…

The more I think about my job, the more I feel lost and feel suck.

This is so far a sum up of my 2017.

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