It could be a thrilling experience to drunk write and wake up sober to find out what you have written under influence.
1, 2, 3, … start!
Now I name you “blog” because you won’t have any better name to deserve.
I always thought that a blog is a place that I, the owner, am supposed to be prepared with content, outline, writing, grammar, fact, and decorative photos.
Now, I won’t think of my blog that way. Blog has now become a place to vent out. A place where I know that it’s always there to be my trash for my emotional waste.
According to my former post about how fucked up my life is, yes I admit I did think my life sucks.
I want to quote There Will Be Blood movie’s quote:
I have always been having confusion in my life. That’s no secret.
I’m going to have to get through my quarter-life crisis next year. I am twenty four at the moment I am typing now. From the link that I attached, I got 16 scores out of the total 25 in the said list. Yeah, it may seem a funny stupid way to count your scores based on a random website. But who cares.
At the moment I’m typing, I just finished 2/3 of a bottle of wine. And 1 bottleful hard liquor. It’s easier to have your feeling completely naked while semi-drunk, isn’t it?
I’ve been working with a grumpy vibe during these recent months.
Actually, it started from the moment when I first knew Tom about how life could be like when you can work remotely whilst travel anywhere in the world at the same time. When I knew this, it was such a novice euphoric life I desired to have.
He always said, “Look, there are plenty Filipinos and Indians who earn less than you do on a daily basis but right now they are earning up to 70,000$ a year from first-world countries’ firms.”
And yes, with an ending, “I believe you can do better than that.”
There was only one time, one short time, that I earned up to x,xxxUS$ within a month from a short-term contractual work. And that never guaranteed me to be converted to get the full-time job in the same firm from Australia. I know right that average Australian citizens earn 1.-1.5 more than that at a minimum. In Thailand, or most third-world countries, earning around 3,000US$ a month implicitly means that you are an elite on a salary pyramid of 9-5, air-conditioned office, cubicle-defined laborers.
I degraded myself at the moment I realized I wasn’t qualified for a full-time job in the US because “Sorry, we would like to hire a native speaker.” I was so angry with myself. I was so angry with my family for not having been well-off enough to afford high-end education that could shape my English to be more like a native speaker. I was angry with my background for not having been educated in an employable major. I was even angry for having been born a third-world citizen of Thailand….
Yes, every single country in Southeast Asia (including Singapore) is a third-world country where they are powerless or invisible in the world’s economic directions and politics. That’s my clear definition. This notion was in part instilled by my ex, it’s no secret now. People would damn me how I ruined my attitude which I let my ex to influenced me. That sucks. But now it’s already here.
At my current job, I earned the basic salary 5x times less than what I could earn for that short-term employment that I had a chance to work remotely. I was angry with myself again for working 10am to 9pm for 5x times (no weekends) less than what I earned once (in hope of additional commission.) And things have gotten even worse.
Did I tell you that I have been on medication? Pills were prescribed by a certified psychiatrist from a private hospital, of course.
This evening, I had reflective conversations with my boss. I always feel most compatible with female boss. Most female bosses I’ve ever had are so manly, you know? At least in the terms of their strength, sharpness, their wit and professionalism.
Female boss is observant, generally speaking. We still have an instinctive sense of women which I appreciate. It’s something I barely find in male boss. No gender bias.
She observed I have been looking unhappy. I am. I am unhappy for having been born a Thai. I am unhappy for having been born a non native speaker. I am unhappy for having been stuck within this country.
I am angry when a jork from the UK can get a teaching job in Thailand for their basic living (plus some months off for their ‘#yooooolooooo #life #journey #wonderlust’). I am angry that just because they look caucasian, their life is easier in a third world country (even a blond-haired blue-eyed German with their thick German accent can be qualified for an English teaching job.) I am angry at how my pathetic my country is, in many ways.
I know some Thai who might have stumbled across this shit of my writing piece would want to wake me up(!!!) and fix “my ungratefulness to the glorious motherland.” Who cares. That’s how it is. We have the great (ex) king and such things, but….. you have to fucking admit and have to wake your fucking self up that you may also want to hold a citizenship of any better country if you are given a lucky chance! We are no better than Filipinos who may basically earn less than us.! We are even worse than them. Our English is worse. Even my English is fucking worse! I know that!
Back to my conversations with my boss a bit.
At my workplace, it’s encouraged that everyone in the team should be emotionally open. That’s very hard for me as I’m not a touchy feely person. It’s a place where everyone knows how much other teammates earn each month. It’s a place where everyone knows everyone’s debt or monthly financial burden (even subordinates know their boss’ financial burden.) It’s a place where we help to treat meals for the teammates who can’t reach their sales targets and are now on their maximum survival mode with their ramen. It’s a place where your team leader invited you to his/her room for some alcoholic treat when s/he sees you are emotionally trodden, just like today that I got now. (I can’t really categorize his/her gender, though…)
With my boss’ intensive “need analysis” which is a basic skill of any sales professional, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t help bursting into tears and my hidden conscious thoughts were unstoppably gushing.
Initially I felt “Damn, Beau, now you’ve revealed too much what you’re thinking and you must be prepared to be ditched anytime if she wants.”
Sales is an art. And it’s not for everyone. I may be one of those “everyone.”
Amid the chilling vibe in that mortuary-like room with my boss, there came a short yet powerful question that hit my soul, “What can be the most prideful thing do you want to do?”
I couldn’t really answer.
In general, people would only be questioned “What do you see yourself in 5 years?” or just “What will you do after resignation?”
With that unexpected question, there came my silence with my brows quirked up.
Yeah, what do I think I might feel proud to myself?
I couldn’t answer because there has been nothing to be proud. The answer was invalid.
It’s the same question, figuratively, to a beggar, “How many millions do you have?”
A predictable answer would be “None.”
A truthful answer to myself is “I have never been proud of anything in my life.”
She asked, “Have you ever appreciated anything since you were born?”
I replied, “No. I know the stem or root of…. all of my personal problems are originated within myself. From nothing. From no one. But myself. I have never been feeling good enough. I always feel like dipshit. Even presently, I am sitting here talking to you, I am still dipshit.”
I bet you most readers that you barely see any this heart-to-heart conversation between a boss and junior in most part of Asia. I was thankful we were having that heart-to-heart moment.
“I know… I am fully aware… I have been comparing myself with other people’s lives since young. I am not even satisfied to be born.”
“Why don’t you try focusing on the bright sides of your life? You are wonderful. You possess many other talents that other people can’t have. Instead of depreciating yourself with the unimpressive past, look at your current need.”
Me: “Yes, boss. People say. But how meaningless can those compliments be if I don’t even count them meaningful?”
It’s just like… when person A who earns 100 compliments person B who earns 1,000 “wow how fancy you are!”, the person B would think “No, I’m no fancy, dude, compared to the C who earns 100,000.”
Boss: “So… you’ve taken people’s compliments for granted?”
That stuck me fucking….hard.
Have I taken people’s sincere compliments for granted?
Boss: “What do you want to do in a near future?”
Me: “I want…to leave this country.”
Boss: “What if, one day, you successfully left this country, what would you do to be proud of yourself?”
Me: “I dunno…I had this question with my friend who’s now a robin hood in the US. She might dislike this country as much as I do now but I was faint-hearted to request a tourist visa and overstay to get a job. She witnessed other robin hoods who managed to a get green card or permanent residency but are deeply dissatisfied with what they got. Okay, some people managed to stay over without getting deported and have been working stably in a restaurant for five years. They nearly get a green card. Once they get a green card and manage to get a white-collar job. They are not happy with their entry-level position with slightly-over minimum hourly rate. Even someone who got a permanent residency, have a stable management-level job, they might still yell about not being to send their kids to a fancy private school or to purchase a two-storey house with some garden area or a swimming pool near the metro area.
I was a scholar student all my childhood. I thought my school was not at the top of the country, so why proud? I was a school’s representative for several competitions. But I was not even an international olympiad, so why proud? I was one of the youth delegates to the UN blah blah blah but I could’t make myself into the 2 finalists that made their way to the headquarter, so why proud? I’ve never even been educated from overseas, so why proud? On the recent days that I met other candidates at the UN, I felt small and dipshit. I realize I have aggravated myself since then but I still can’t stop thinking about that. I always try to stop myself from self-depreciation or stop thinking unsatisfied with my whole life and to start focusing on my good attributes, but I’m easily triggered to be feeling dipshit. I even take pills, see a doctor, try meditation and things …. but it didn’t work. Even now, it doesn’t work. I know everything is from within myself. Inside out. I tried to stop. I want to entirely remove this degrading thought out of my life but I still can’t!”
Boss: “You know… even though you were getting a dream job, you wouldn’t make yourself to get through far because of your attitude. Your attitude ruins everything. If you can’t even forgive yourself and switch your thought, no one and nothing in the world can satisfy you.”
I nodded. She’s right.
Boss: “If you are not content with anything. Not even with being born. Then you are not worth being born.”
I silently agreed.
That scenario of me purchasing a strong hypnotic drug to drown my drunk self in a pool hit in again. “Maybe… I am not even worth being born.”
OMG I’m having the 3rd can of beer.
Every single month, we hear an iconic sentence, “EMOTION CONTROLS EVERYTHING”. Every single month, we discuss about how behavioral economy also applies to our real-life decision making. And the summary is EMOTION CONTROLS EVERYTHING. As long as you are not a cyborg, emotion is over reasoning. Once reasoning is tossed away, emotion controls money. Once money is taken over, you control the owner of the money. That’s no secret. It applies to everyone’s decision making as well. Emotion controls everything.
I confirm it’s true.
“What else in my life can I feel happy with?”
I still can’t find a clear, rigid, one-goal answer.
OMG I’m nearly finishing my fourth can of beer.